Search

I'm slightly hedonistic and writing makes me happy

whoops

My friend recently referred to me as “one of those people likers” and well, she’s right. I have the ability of managing to find something to love in everyone, and do honestly believe I could love anyone if they let me.

I never thought of this quality of mine to be bad, but retrospectively, let’s consider why she may have implied it wasn’t the best trait to have. So, I was looking up the IG feed of a boy (from my side account) who decided it was best to block my main account (sounds pretty creepy whoops, probably is actually) and my justification when she asked me why was “Well, I still cared for his pasty white ass” and well, yeah I do! I do care about whether he’s alive or not. Unfortunately.

Basically, it’s made me wonder if this ‘loving’ characteristic of mine is actually detrimental to my being. The hard hitting truth, it probably is bad, it probably stops me from cutting off people who couldn’t give a rat’s arse about my existence or lack thereof. It most definitely stems from my coping mechanism that I developed when I was younger, when I decided that I don’t do “crushes”, I don’t expect requited feelings, I don’t expect people to be ‘loving’ to me. So I took up the responsibility to screw overrated that shit and just love everyone because they deserve my appreciation, they really do.

Perhaps I just think I don’t mind the hurt when people don’t love me back. I’ve always found myself embracing the unrequited feelings I have for everyone and I do seem to make myself pretty comfy in the pit of self pity (which I pretend doesn’t exist because I don’t expect things do I? No, I’m some sort of angle who loves people boohoo) Well, not really. I do love my careless habits of being unbearably blunt and flirty with everyone, I do love appreciating people for who they are, it makes living worth it if I’m honest. There’s not much to live for if you discount people off my list. Sometimes I wonder if I put myself through things knowingly just to feel them and write about them.

I reckon I just need to decide for myself, whether the gaping hole in my heart (from when I give away pieces for free) is worth the pining and feeling pathetic lmao

(tl;dr I’m a clingy mf who is trying very hard to improve, I’ve haven’t completely stopped sending emails to people who can’t keep their eyes from rolling at the sight of my name in their inbox ~I imagine~ at the expense of looking silly but well, if I don’t be silly and wear my heart of my sleeve, who will? Alternatively titled, naivety


a concept: me, listening to we don’t talk anymore & somebody that I used to know and not sobbing

another concept: me, studying

yet another concept: me, not whining

best biffles

my friends matter a lot sometimes and my parents always tell me how temporary and irrelevant they are and how I should put my studies first and foremost and then my family and maybe a couple levels later, my peers.

They’re wrong sometimes. And this is one of those times; you see, they all had around 10 siblings and never needed to seek love and affection from sources that didn’t share the same blood or house as them.

But god, how do I make them see, that when I’m home alone everyday, with my dog for company, all I can turn to is my friends. How can I begin to explain that when I hear my friend laughing as if he was a malfunctioning radiator auditioning for a role as a mouse, it became one of my favourite sounds in the world.

When they’re the ones who support me no matter what, always push me to be better, and lift me up with silly jokes, how do I tell my parents, “I know you love me, but so do these three!”

When they act as my parents, lovers, enemies, children, siblings, etc. all rolled up into one, who am I to deny them? Our relationships go beyond the realm of platonic, they push the boundaries of romantic and leave me satisfied with my care; how can I not acknowledge this requited love served to me on a silver platter?

 

last year I realised how many close friends I have, that care about me and would go to the ends of the earth for me. I love them all so much and hope they stay in my life till the end of days.

 

Happy new year!

I’ve been dreading the thought of the zero’s lining up on the 24 hour clock because I realised that there was much about me that I need to change this year. Because, well, new year is just a thinly veiled excuse to make those amends we should’ve made ages ago, but didn’t. The idea that we can change ourselves regardless of the planet’s movement is brilliant but too overpowering for me. So I guess I’ll stick with the whole overrated ‘New Year, new me!’ shite for now.

So let’s see what I need myself to be this year –

  • better achievements in the future near
  • learn from the slate, not wiped clear
  • don’t avoid the dark, don’t you fear!
  • you can afford to be a bit more queer..
  • be considerate to those who are to you dear.
  • sometimes, when you have to, do sneer.
  • don’t let anyone at you leer.
  • to your instinct, please do hear!
  • don’t lie to yourself, dissolve the veneer.
  • please, no more self destructive behaviour
  • and maybe for now, say no to the beer
  • stop doubting yourself, you’ll have a career
  • (at some point surely)

other irrelevant things I should change include – less whining and dining lmao, no crying, no comparing, no dying and all that good stuff ya?

Lost Magician

[11/11 12:59 am] And finally, for my last trick
[11/11 1:00 am] I will turn into ashes
[11/11 1:00 am] Become one with the earth
[11/11 1:01 am] Watered by the tears on their eye lashes
[11/11 1:02 am] At the end of the final act
[11/11 1:03 am] The curtain falls down but they wait for me to come back
[11/11 1:06 am] Grumble something about plant rebirth and leave, does the audience
[11/11 1:07 am] But never was I there to begin with, you can’t wait for the return of what ‘I’ did lack
[11/11 1:09 am] I’ll continue to stay away, persistently hitting a wall of brick.
[11/11 1:10 am] Don’t miss me too much or they’ll declare you too sick.

Missed Connections

Testing one,

“Can you hear me?” You nod your head.

Not lies, no. Maybe you can, but won’t listen.

I wonder, would you jerk at the sound of me,

crying and screaming in frustration;

Or to the sardonic laughter that erupts

from my throat at these thoughts?


Testing one, two,

I don’t think you want to talk at all,

is that it? Why else would you stall

and pretend to be around, not?

There’s a piece missing. 2 hands long,

used to lie between us; that has

decided to go play hide and seek,

like we used to.


Testing one, two, three,

Everything was such a blur, or was that

an excuse? Even if it was, no worries!

My heart lies with you. I cannot antagonise

the image of your self even if I wanted to.

The line between understanding and self

destructing is thin, but it will have to do.


Testing one, two, three, four,

how many more? I’ve given you so much,

almost too much, one should exclaim!

But I will continue to do so and with impunity

you will be awarded for all you had given back.

The self preservation is kicking in,

yet I never, ever know when to stop.

I will make you talk.


Testing one, two, three, four, five,

finally you open your mouth! But

no sound seems to escape from within.

A half hearted groan seems to be it.

For a moment I mistake you for a git, and

perhaps the miss was when I decided

that you were an angel of some sort.


Testing one, two, three, four, five, six.

This is it, I know better than to try now,

for if something is to happen? It will,

after the trials. But futility, of any future

endeavours will be in your hands and of

the past? In the snapped red string

sutured around our necks. 

not sure but this might’ve been a response to this prompt lol

Closer

Dear heart, don’t let yourself be lost.

The scientists say we have a chance,

stay where you are, time is the only cost.

Wait it out, enjoy it now, this time sans us.


Thoughts of you were my only indulgence,

bold, but bordering on blushing, I was spent.

I had my treat, now I await my comeuppance.

Those walls around me? You did more than dent.


The constant shaking, waiting, taking, loving;

wash, rinse, repeat, it was all too good to be true.

Prerequisite to me, surprisingly unheard of to you.

Lifted me up, dusted me and convinced me, in lieu.


Drifting closer and closer were we, au contraire?

Spent: my days with an eye out for the northern lights.

I looked away at all the right times, yet you felt my stare.

Eyes: red as the blood pumping in my heart tonight.


Everything ended as fast as it had commenced,

because I fell too fast, too hard, and you didn’t too.

My eyes burn again, but due to different intents.

No northern lights or music to remind me of “Who?”


But you did as I said, you enjoyed it well! Too well

perhaps, but maybe to you this was but a test, so

don’t worry about me, only time will heal and tell;

the tunes and colours will put another to rest.

Pulse

(verse 1: excuses)

Don’t blame him, it was

something repulsive that he had seen

(in miami was it?) that fuelled his decision

to give them competition; to do something

more unsavoury than they had been.


(verse 2: when)

The month of the summer solstice

consisting of the longest day,

but wait, how queer! It gave us two.

When not only did the sun stop moving,

but we found that our hearts did too.


(verse 3: where)

The haven, the place where his enemies did rest

like fish in a barrel, he did; specifically that night,

legally, planned and prepared

took out the competition, the very best, he did.

And now we pray they rest, in peace.


(verse 4: relation)

Oh how I had wished to celebrate with them!

But now it hurts to see my brothers weep,

could I have saved them by tying a rakhi?

my sisters, they apologise for promises of return

that they simply could not keep.


(verse 5: result)

(no one utters a word about hate crimes)

Another reason they’ve finally gotten

to start mixing cement for the great wall.

We talk about values and cultures and guns and all,

but details of it, we’ve already forgotten.


(verse 6: sorry)

Apologising for your son

won’t bring their’s back.

Was handholding and kissing the reason

for bloodshed again, this season?

Can we really cut anyone, any slack?


(verse 7: faith)

I wished for the same thing two times today

as the clock struck 11:11, I shut my eyes

told myself that this would help (lies).

Helpless and scared, I did feel.

As did everyone without a heart made of steel.


(verse 8: don’t)

He took away their pulse,

but fuelled our rage and will.

50 dead and 53 injured

(and a queue of blood donors conjured)

but our love, he can never kill.


 I’d like to take a moment to mourn the loss of 50 or so innocent strangers that mean way more than they should to me. When I woke up to this news, all I could do was stare at the screen and wish that they’d be okay. Regardless, take a moment to mourn in silence, but don’t let them take away your voices. Don’t shut up. Don’t forget them. Don’t be afraid. And for the love of god, stay safe.

Man in the Hat and Money in da Banks

Today, we’ll present to you, current affairs in a completely new and unprofessional way. What you read next will blow your mind! Finance is something we do not fully understand. If you do, ku…

Source: Man in the Hat and Money in da Banks

The Sounds

The Sounds

this poem is for boys with blinding smiles. The laughs that remind me of yellow.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑