My friend recently referred to me as “one of those people likers” and well, she’s right. I have the ability of managing to find something to love in everyone, and do honestly believe I could love anyone if they let me.
I never thought of this quality of mine to be bad, but retrospectively, let’s consider why she may have implied it wasn’t the best trait to have. So, I was looking up the IG feed of a boy (from my side account) who decided it was best to block my main account (sounds pretty creepy whoops, probably is actually) and my justification when she asked me why was “Well, I still cared for his pasty white ass” and well, yeah I do! I do care about whether he’s alive or not. Unfortunately.
Basically, it’s made me wonder if this ‘loving’ characteristic of mine is actually detrimental to my being. The hard hitting truth, it probably is bad, it probably stops me from cutting off people who couldn’t give a rat’s arse about my existence or lack thereof. It most definitely stems from my coping mechanism that I developed when I was younger, when I decided that I don’t do “crushes”, I don’t expect requited feelings, I don’t expect people to be ‘loving’ to me. So I took up the responsibility to screw overrated that shit and just love everyone because they deserve my appreciation, they really do.
Perhaps I just think I don’t mind the hurt when people don’t love me back. I’ve always found myself embracing the unrequited feelings I have for everyone and I do seem to make myself pretty comfy in the pit of self pity
(which I pretend doesn’t exist because I don’t expect things do I? No, I’m some sort of angle who loves people boohoo) Well, not really. I do love my careless habits of being unbearably blunt and flirty with everyone, I do love appreciating people for who they are, it makes living worth it if I’m honest. There’s not much to live for if you discount people off my list. Sometimes I wonder if I put myself through things knowingly just to feel them and write about them.
I reckon I just need to decide for myself, whether the gaping hole in my heart (from when I give away pieces for free) is worth the pining and feeling pathetic lmao
(tl;dr I’m a clingy mf who is trying very hard to improve, I’ve haven’t completely stopped sending emails to people who can’t keep their eyes from rolling at the sight of my name in their inbox ~I imagine~ at the expense of looking silly but well, if I don’t be silly and wear my heart of my sleeve, who will? Alternatively titled, naivety)
a concept: me, listening to we don’t talk anymore & somebody that I used to know and not sobbing
another concept: me, studying
yet another concept: me, not whining